For someone who prides themselves on being highly practical, turns out I’m really thick when it comes to music. What is it about drowning in choice that’s so unappealing? Well, almost certainly the ‘drowning’, but the sentiment remains: aren’t we all just so bloody spoiled nowadays? No longer do we hang around the house for four hours waiting for someone to call in order to make cinema plans, but look me in the eye and tell me there wasn’t something exciting about all that lurking?
As I trudge the mud and torrential downpour of tunes now available on platforms like Spotify, I can’t get no satisfaction… well, none akin to the shot of ink straight to the brain that comes from shoving your nose into a fresh inlay and inhaling violently. It’s taken years for me to even consider trying an online music platform, so I’ll be backing Trump before start investing in one. CDs to me are how I imagine Jesus is to Christians, or olives to those craving a slow, salty death. There’s just not quite anything that soothes the entitled rage of this shoulder glancer than a bit of paper and a bit of plastic near equivalent size.
To try and define my love for physical media I’ll jump on the dirty obvious: it’s something! No, really. With the CDs of old, often you received a veritable goody bag for your dosh: 1x booklet or inlay, 1x compact disc, (if you’re lucky) 1x DVD, and if you’re really lucky, maybe a undersized shirt or a Limp Bizkit beanie with the logo off-centre. Tat obviously, but things that you could hold and somewhat justify that twenty three dollar, the-equivalent-of-two-supermarket-chickens, reckless as hell purchase.
In contrast, the most recent digital pre-order I’ve stumbled over may as well have come with a PDF of a middle finger and barely-acceptable racial statement. A six second preview of the album – why not just give me nothing? No, really – why not just give me nothing at all? What, do they think people are going to be adding this Napalm Death-esque, joke of an audio file to their playlists, chucking it on repeat at parties in the hope that someone in the same car accident recognises it? Actually, I can’t blame the label. Obviously someone is taking the piss, that’s the only way I accept this being an actual incentive for financially backing something you love.
That being said, last month did see me finally cave and install the Spotify player on my computer. Aand… it’s really good. Not only is it good, it’s free? The only price to pay is listening to the odd 15 second commercial every 20 or so minutes? Unbelievable, I feel like I’m pulling a fast one and Spots have just yet to realise their idiocy. Here comes free music forever, because those commercials have me think I’m listening to the best damned radio station in the world, one catering completely to me and with such a good recommendation algorithm that it may as well be paired with my consciousness, which, in fact, it is! And strike two, because little do they realise that how cheap a bastard I am that I’ll never pay for anything I can’t sniff!
So, I’ll keep buying my CDs you keep up the good work, Spotify. You’ve now introduced a service into my life that I’m bound to get uppity about once you’ve sobered and come to terms with the horrible mistake you made last night.